Clearwater, FL--Ken Johnson is not an idiot.

 

After his son’s debut book My Idiot Dad hit number one on the New York Times bestseller list, he decided he could remain quiet no more. 

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“It hurts, you know. All this time you think your son likes you for you. You’re hanging out. Streaking at baseball games. Doing cinnamon challenges. But really he’s just a spy.” 

 

His son Davey Johnson sees it differently.

 

“For the record, he streaked. I just provided the opportunity.”

 

Davey’s book chronicles his teen years with his father who, over time, says and does outrageous and questionably dangerous things. 

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“I had to dumb myself down. Most of these things were his idea. I just reported the act. It’s more biographical than exposé.”

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By his own admission, Davey’s father is not the brightest patch on the quilt. 

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“I didn’t go to college,” Ken says. “I don’t read or do them fancy Sokukus (sic). I’m not no Bernstein (sic) but it don’t mean I’m stupid. I’m in between.” 

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The “moments of idiocy” began harmless enough but, as Davey grew older, they became more outrageous. In the book, he convinces his dad oranges were originally named “sour roundies,” spaghetti sauce contains people murdered by the mafia, and aliens regularly take samples from their toilet to monitor human biology.

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“Dad stopped using the indoor bathroom for almost a year. Would sneak into the woods with toilet paper and a shovel.”  

 

How did Davey get his dad to buy into the more extreme ideas? 

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“To be honest, I thought he’d catch on. Each new thing I kept thinking ‘no way he’ll believe this.’ Dad already subscribes to a lot of baseless ideas. 'Earth is flat.' 'Democrats are pedophiles.' To get him to eat a Tide pod or to shove a bone up his urethra to protect him from the coronavirus was depressingly easy.” 

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“My son thinks he’s so smart,” Ken says. “But look at how many people believe the same things I do. Can that many people really be wrong about the Democrats?” 

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Since the book’s release, Ken and Davey’s relationship has soured like a ‘roundie’ on a slow boat from Asia. 

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“He won’t see me anymore. Which is unfortunate because I miss him, but at least we had five years of laughing together. He’d be happier if he embraced his idiocy and not fight it.” 

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Maybe he has. 

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Ken’s popularity has soared with sympathetic readers since the book came out. “I’m running for congress. Got tons of support. And it don’t matter what Davey says, I got numbers. Dumb people don’t poll up in the seventy percentill (sic).”

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While Davey may have burned his bridges with Ken, he’s not giving up on his father. 

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“Dad’s got the memory of a dog so I think we’ll reconcile. A lot of people say he’s the smart one and I’m the idiot. Maybe they’re right. Given the electorate in this country, he could be President someday. Still, I thank theoretical God that I got my mother’s genes.”

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What’s in store for Davey’s next tome? 

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“I’m working on the second in the series, My Idiot Brother. Don’t tell him though or I’ll never get him into the slingshot.”